Columbus Police, community activists, and local residents are celebrating a small victory in the city’s fight against violence today after prolific North Linden murderer Trey “Little Bill” Martin vowed not to kill anyone else until Easter 2021.

The promise to stop contributing to the city’s murder rate came after the 14-year-old received a PS5 from Burger King and was granted free PlayStation Now and PlayStation Plus subscriptions from the Columbus Community Partners. The only condition was that he abstain from murder for at least six months.

“I want to thank God, Burger King, and those Community Partner niggas for blessing me this winter,” Little Bill said. “I love droppin’ motherfuckers, you know, don’t get me wrong, but this shit be gettin’ boring after a while. None of these dead niggas ever left me with anything positive after the fact. I figure I’ll humor these fools, keep my tool tucked till it come time to shank and gank that egg hunt change, you know what I’m saying? My grandmama happy that I’m home taking care of my sons, too.”

Authorities say Martin is a repeat violent offender who is suspected in eight open homicide investigations. Columbus Police say they lack the evidence necessary to charge him with a crime.

“When people aren’t willing to come forward as witnesses and suspects are reluctant to talk to us, our ability to close cases is pretty limited,” said Columbus Police homicide detective Bruce Whiteface. “I hate that so much of my life is spent dealing with black people. Even the dead ones bother me. But we won’t allow that to impede our investigations — not officially, anyway. That said, we are grateful for Burger King’s Whopper promotional as well as local community initiatives working together to stop violent crime in Columbus. It makes our jobs easier.”

Columbus Mayor Andrew Ginther said his office is working closely with the Columbus Community Partners and other community organizations in an effort to curb violence in the city.

“I want all the Little Bill’s and Tay Tay’s and Al Gore’s of our city to know that we still care about them and want to help them turn a corner in their lives. They are still part of our community,” Ginther said. “My heart also goes out to all the victims and their families who have been impacted by this senseless violence. Rest assured, we will continue bribing as many murderers as we can and punting on this problem until 2021, when the stats reset and we can begin the cycle all over again. It will be like all these murders didn’t even happen.”

Other things being done to quell the violence include: talking about how high the murder rate is figuring criminals will pat themselves on the back and call it a job well done; paying white academics to write research and theorize why people subjected to centuries of systemic oppression are such brats; as well as flying helicopters over problem neighborhoods so that local news anchors can give you an aerial view of what’s happening on the ground.

Photo courtesy of diversey on Flickr


  1. This is the stupidest thing that could have ever been done! By giving nice gifts to a criminal to bribe them not to act out you just doomed our city and the future of any kid without foundation or the ones that may have lost their way. You gave a reward for a senseless crime now every child that finds out about this is going to think that when they act out someone must give them a nice gift to get them to stop…. you have doomed us all….. And when the new year starts and the stats reset it isn’t like all those murders didn’t happen, just go ask one of the family members of the ones that was murdered if it is like it never happened. You are supposed to be a public figure a leader, and follow the law, but you have just taken away everyone’s future by doing this. Then spoke carelessly to let us all know you really don’t care. You aren’t fit to be in office! Shame on you!


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