A group of orphaned felines banded together this weekend in an attempt to overrun Hoggy’s Restaurant and control the city’s tuna supply.
The plan ultimately failed, as the cats were unable to open the door, tell people what to do, or commit any of the violent acts necessary to take over the restaurant.
The attempt wasn’t the first time that cats have caused a disruption in the downtown area. Several cats caused a teenager to lose his mind in mid-January, surrounding him outside of Clancey’s Pub and staring at him for several hours.
Although it was reported that the teenager was tripping balls on acid, the cats’ behavior is still extremely abnormal.
“I haven’t seen anything like this before,” said Sarah Reynolds, a volunteer at the Delaware Humane Society. “I’m used to cats pooping and looking stupid, not scaring children and taking over restaurants.”
Many in the downtown community are afraid to return to the area in fear that they may become the next targets of the vicious, eccentric animals. Several stores, including Verizon Wireless and Breakaway Cycling and Fitness, have closed their doors until the problem is under control.
One downtown business owner, however, wasn’t afraid to speak out.
“I don’t serve tuna,” said Barry Masterson of Lil Pee Pee’s Pizza. “As long as they don’t touch my anchovies, I won’t have to shoot more than 3 per week.”
Masterson stated that he already shoots 3 cats per week for sport, all of which are sold to China Buffet Food Good, which is also located downtown.
Ming Lee, owner of China Buffet Food Good, is glad the cats are coming downtown more often, especially in large groups.
“Having the cats together in groups so close to the restaurant will make them easier to capture and kill,” Lee said. “The owner of Lil Pee Pee’s has been providing me with three a week, but cat meat is starting to get more popular.”
He went on to explain that fresh pussy meat is very hard to find. Generally, the rare delicacy can’t be found for less than $10.00 a pound. Meijer’s, he said, has the best prices on the bloodiest, reddest, freshest pussies. Having the cats right downtown will cut the cost down to about $.50 per pound, Lee said, which is what it will cost to have them murdered and skinned in the back of the store.
As a protest to the felines’ uprising, many activists have been eating baby kittens.
“I will snap every kitten’s neck that I see,” screamed protester Randy Savage. “I will eat them. I will chew them.”
Savage explained his position as a crowd behind him bellowed “1, 2, 3, 4, kitten blood, give me more!”
The protest took place outside of The Backstretch Bar Saturday and got increasingly rowdy as the night went on. Participants were brandishing weapons, cussing at passersby, and even taking shots of 151 proof rum out on the sidewalk.
Savage approved of the madness.
“Everyone here is as passionate as I am,” he said. “Kill cats and protect our community. That is all there is to it.”
The crew of cats was able to escape downtown Delaware before they could be captured.
Calls to the Delaware Police Department seeking comment on their strategy for dealing with the problem haven’t been returned.