Tired of shitting in a toilet like a fucking normal person? Good. You don’t have to do it that way. You can shit all over yourself instead. Here are 7 ways to do so elegantly, in public.
Now through Jug Day, these moves are completely legal in Delaware, Ohio.
1. Pull your pants down to your ankles, lie down stomach up, prop up your haunches, then shit down your back.
This is pretty much a “fuck you” to everyone in sight, as you get comfortable in a yoga position and erupt a chocolate shit volcano sensually down your back.
Make it even more awkward by maintaining eye contact and looking around at onlookers as you shit on yourself.
It’s fucking disgusting, yet strangely erotic at the same time.
2. Stay standing, pull your pants down just below your buttocks, hold the back of your pants firmly against your taint, stick your ass out a little, then shit straight down toward the ground, right into the back of your shoes.
This is the “swan” of shitting all over yourself. When done well, it’s a graceful, majestic maneuver, culminating in a stunning shit atrocity delivered into the back of both shoes.
People can’t look away from The Swan. They will have their eyes locked on you for the entire performance. They will watch you intently as you shit all over your feet and enjoy every minute of it.
3. Same as above, only instead of holding back your pants, position your hand directly between your pants and ass crack, vertically with fingertips pointing toward the floor; shit all over your hand and then fling it everywhere as it comes out.
This is the classic monkey, “nature is my toilet and you can fuck yourself,” shit. You could be an regal swan, but instead you opt to not give a fuck, embrace your inner beast, and shit all over your hands, rocketing it toward bystanders with zero remorse. You’re a shitting savage.
4. Pull your pants down to your ankles, squat down so your ass is right above the floor, then bunny hop around dropping little shit piles. Circle back through some to get it all over yourself.
This one is just really fucking weird. There’s really nothing redeemable, sexy, or funny about it. You pretty much look like a person shitting in public and playing with it like a freak.
5. Say you have to go to the restroom, walk somewhere within sight of everyone you’re with, sit your back against a wall or pretend you’re pressing your back against an imaginary wall (sitting ass down like you’re on a toilet), then pull your pants down and shit onto the ground. When you’re finished, attempt a handstand directly over the pile, pushing yourself up until you lose strength and fall head first into your own shit.
This look like a really horrible stunt gone awry. You could get away with it gracefully or go to jail for public indecency. It all depends on how you pull it off and who is watching. Done well, you appear like someone who had their heart in the right place and was trying to be funny, perhaps showing off for friends, before getting in over your head and embarrassing yourself (by getting shit all over your own face). The beauty here though is that you can shit on yourself in public, make people laugh, and then make them feel bad for you. Some kind souls may even pick up your shit and wipe you off afterwards.
6. Grab hands with people next to you, squat down a little bit, flinch, grit your teeth, then shit into your pants. Keep your ass down slightly when you’re finished, release hands with your neighbors, then start taking small laborious steps forward like you’re burdened by a little extra poop in your pants. Do this for 5-10 feet, then pull down your pants and underwear enough to dump the shit onto the ground. If any goes down your pants, take them off completely, shimmy, and kick your legs until all of your shit is out on the ground.
This move also attracts empathy, but generally because people think you’re trying to be deep and wholesome in the worst possible circumstances, praying with friends and accepting nature’s call, only to revert back to a superficial mess just minutes later when you inevitably realize what it’s like to once again carry shit around in your underwear like you’re wearing a diaper. That’s right: There’s shit bouncing up around your ass, down into your pants, and everywhere in between.
You’re dabbing shit all over yourself and it’s really gross.
7. Remain standing straight up, and without changing your posture, shit right into your pants. Then look straight at someone near you until you gain eye contact and tell them what you did. Push the conversation until they make you prove it, then grab their hand and direct it right down the back of your pants into your shit pile. Then toss their hand away in disgust, like, “I told you, motherfucker. Why did you make me do that to you? Ugh.”
There’s a strong possibility that executing this move may earn you a felonious sexual assault charge. Do it at your own peril, only with people you trust to take a joke. Strangers generally go into shock and hold their shit covered hand up in horror as they run to the authorities. You are fucked if this happens.
A good buddy should just wipe their hand off on your shirt and call you a twisted, disgusting fuck, because that’s exactly what you are.
this makes me certain that i should quit my desk job and commit to interpretive defecatory dancing