Ask Oltice: Why can’t I beat level 12?

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Dear Oltice,

After thrashing my way through the first 11 levels of Skymoon Warrior 4, I am officially pissed. Level 12 has mind-fucked me and left me swollen, shivering on my couch in a puddle of piss. At this stage, everything is going wrong. My samurai sword is no longer enough to beat opposing warriors, my reaction time is too slow to block attacks, and I can never find health when I need it. There aren’t enough cheat codes and walkthroughs on the Internet to get me through this predicament.

Please help me,

Stumped Skymooner

Dear Stumped,

Yeah, yeah, yeah man. I got you. Ma nigga Hank had some a da same problems last week with that mothafuckin’ level. First of all, you gotta get rid a dat short-ass, small-dick chinaman sword. When you start da level, don’t hop over the black hole and climb down da ladder, or yo shit will get fucked up by dem bastards you talkin’ bout. You need to jump right into da abyss, you won’t die trust me dawg, and approach da nigga wit da superstaff. He will take out da superstaff, which glows bright blue and shit. Da bastard won’t just give you da mothafucka, tho. He warns you dat da superstaff has great power, and should only be wielded by da tru Skymoon Savior King. You need to do the x,x,y sword combo right after he is done talkin’ ‘bout that shit, so you cut his legs off first and then slice off his right wrist, which is holding the superstaff. Make sure you do that shit immediately after dat nigga stops talking, or he will summon some crazy Gary Coleman lookin’ demon to bite your heart right out yo chest. After you cut dat bitch’s hand off, da superstaff will fall to da ground, and you pick it up wit da x button. Beat his ass to death wit dat staff howeva you want, den Move dat dead bitch’s body, and walk into da glowing moon portal.

The superstaff will give you da extra length ya need to fuck dem other warriors up. When da first wave of warriors come out, just fight em’ off wit da simple x,x,x combo wit yo new badass superstaff. They shouldn’t be able ta get close enough to you to slice yo ass wit they snakespears, but if they do catch yo ass hit y right quick to grab da snakespear right out dey grip and den hit x to stab da bitch right in da belly. After you kill about 20 of dem moon hatin’ niggas, Moon Princess Leola appears floatin’ up at da top of da screen. She opens da portal to da next part of da level, and hooks you up wit two health boosters. Da lobster lookin’ motha fuckin monsters you meet next shouldn’t be no problem, if you grab da superstaff powerup right after you step out da portal. Dey still be pretty tough, but dem bitches won’t know what hit ‘em when you use da superstaff’s superspace beatdown combo. When dem lobster monster niggas come toward you, press x,a,x,y,b,a to give yo righteous ass a flaming superstaff dat does double damage wit x button attacks and incerates dem bitches when you press and hold y button. If dem lobsters do get dey nasty ass claws on you, hit b,b,a to throw da bitch off you, den hold x and y at da same time to stomp dat squirming bastard’s brains out wit yo sky boot.
Da next part is where it gets tricky. In order to get to the level 12 boss lobster monster, you have to pause the game, take out your cell phone, and call 1800-275-6584. Just give the nice bitch on the phone your credit card information, social security number, and date of birf.

Oltice

Oltice Walker Booth
Oltice Walker Booth
Oltice is a veteran of the United States Army, crack addict, and wise black nigga. He writes an advice column for delawareohionews.com and frequently frightens staff when he rushes into the office demanding money (often for work he hasn't performed).

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