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Local News

NRA and Ohio Governor John Kasich Aim to Arm Students, Teachers

Posted  February 20, 2013  by  Sofa Malone

Ohio teachers and students would be required to carry a state issued handgun or assault rifle under a proposed law introduced by Ohio Governor John Kasich during his State of the State speech Tuesday night in Lima. Coming in the wake of a wave of gun violence and increasing calls for gun control, Kasich said [...]

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Rusty Piece of Shit
Local News

Man Regrets Buying $200 Car

Posted  January 31, 2013  by  Ricardo Paye

The decision to buy a $200 car off Craig’s List was a regrettable one, says Drew Appleton, 19, of Delaware. 

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Willis Intermediary Student Johnny Wacky - Future Delaware, Ohio School Shooter
In-Brief

Willis Intermediate Student Calls Off Monday’s School Shooting

Posted  January 26, 2013  by  Ricardo Paye

Creepy East side sixth grader Johnny Wacky has called off a school shooting he had planned for Monday January 28th.

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Local News

Dead and Injured Horse Auction Draws Crowds, Protesters to Fairgrounds

Posted  November 16, 2012  by  Sofa Malone

Every November, people looking to unload or stock up on their supply of dead and injured horses gallop to the Delaware County Fairgrounds. For auction organizer Timothy Blentelneck, the event is a wonderful tradition that officially marks the start of the winter and Thanksgiving season. “It’s a fabulous yearly ritual in which horse owners can [...]

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Local News

Delaware Man Taken into Police Custody After Forgetting 9/11

Posted  September 11, 2012  by  Sofa Malone

Delaware man Yancey Glurglebottom was taken into police custody early Tuesday morning after local police discovered he had completely forgotten about the events of September 11, 2001. Delaware police officer Harley Richter said he was busy driving around town making sure all businesses and homes had the necessary number of American flags hanging in prominent [...]

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Delaware Man Arrested for Taking Rocket Launcher into ‘Hope Springs’

Delaware resident Timothy Frankerton was arrested at the Strand Theater by Delaware Police  Tuesday evening after attempting to carry an arsenal of weapons into the new hit romantic comedy, “Hope Springs.” Police s...
by Sofa Malone
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FBC-SCHLICHTER

Romney Selects Former OSU Quarterback Art Schlichter as Running Mate

After months of speculation, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has chosen former Ohio State University football star Art Schlichter as his vice presidential running mate. “I’ve known Art for ma...
by Sofa Malone
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chicken

In-Brief Breaking News: Chick-fil-AIDS Breakout Likely

All food items at the Chick-fil-A on Polaris were tainted with AIDS. So if you stood in solidarity with your gay-bashing brothers and sisters swallowing your anti-fag fries, queer punching pickles and heterosexual cock-sucking ...
by Sofa Malone
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Jerry Sandusky

Street Named After Jerry Sandusky Will Remain Despite Conviction

After several weeks of deliberation, Delaware, Ohio City Council has decided not to rename Sandusky Street, which was named after convicted child rapist Jerry Sandusky in 1969.
by Sofa Malone
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Delaware, Ohio Power Outage 2012 Repair Efforts

Delaware Power Outage Prevents Stuff from Happening

A lot of stuff that was supposed to happen the last couple of days hasn’t because the power has been out, according to people who had plans.
by Ricardo Paye
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