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Local News

NRA and Ohio Governor John Kasich Aim to Arm Students, Teachers

Posted  February 20, 2013  by  Sofa Malone

Ohio teachers and students would be required to carry a state issued handgun or assault rifle under a proposed law introduced by Ohio Governor John Kasich during his State of the State speech Tuesday night in Lima. Coming in the wake of a wave of gun violence and increasing calls for gun control, Kasich said [...]

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Rusty Piece of Shit
Local News

Man Regrets Buying $200 Car

Posted  January 31, 2013  by  Ricardo Paye

The decision to buy a $200 car off Craig’s List was a regrettable one, says Drew Appleton, 19, of Delaware. 

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Willis Intermediary Student Johnny Wacky - Future Delaware, Ohio School Shooter
In-Brief

Willis Intermediate Student Calls Off Monday’s School Shooting

Posted  January 26, 2013  by  Ricardo Paye

Creepy East side sixth grader Johnny Wacky has called off a school shooting he had planned for Monday January 28th.

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Local News

Dead and Injured Horse Auction Draws Crowds, Protesters to Fairgrounds

Posted  November 16, 2012  by  Sofa Malone

Every November, people looking to unload or stock up on their supply of dead and injured horses gallop to the Delaware County Fairgrounds. For auction organizer Timothy Blentelneck, the event is a wonderful tradition that officially marks the start of the winter and Thanksgiving season. “It’s a fabulous yearly ritual in which horse owners can [...]

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Local News

Delaware Man Taken into Police Custody After Forgetting 9/11

Posted  September 11, 2012  by  Sofa Malone

Delaware man Yancey Glurglebottom was taken into police custody early Tuesday morning after local police discovered he had completely forgotten about the events of September 11, 2001. Delaware police officer Harley Richter said he was busy driving around town making sure all businesses and homes had the necessary number of American flags hanging in prominent [...]

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dead_horse_again (1)

Dead and Injured Horse Auction Draws Crowds, Protesters to Fairgrounds

Every November, people looking to unload or stock up on their supply of dead and injured horses gallop to the Delaware County Fairgrounds. For auction organizer Timothy Blentelneck, the event is a wonderful tradition that offic...
by Sofa Malone

 
 
 

In-Brief: Ja Rule’s “Put It on Me” Named Delaware, Ohio’s Official Theme Song

The hit single “Put It on Me” from rapper Ja Rule’s 2000 album Rule 3:36 has been named the official theme song of Delaware, Ohio, according to city officials.
by Ricardo Paye
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Obama Tear

Obama Misses Friend’s Wedding, Apologizes with Massive Drone Strike on Reception

President Barack Obama missed his good friend Al Kada’s wedding last weekend, and has apologized the only way the president knows how; with unbridled violence. “Yeah, I was just too busy with the campaign, and I cou...
by Sofa Malone
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confused-man-in-suit

Delaware Man Taken into Police Custody After Forgetting 9/11

Delaware man Yancey Glurglebottom was taken into police custody early Tuesday morning after local police discovered he had completely forgotten about the events of September 11, 2001. Delaware police officer Harley Richter said...
by Sofa Malone
0

 
 
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Couples Turn to Simulated Rape in Lieu of Contraception

Hundreds of couples across central Ohio and thousands across the nation have embraced simulated rape in order to prevent pregnancy, according to a recent Delaware Ohio News phone survey. The practice is almost exclusively perfo...
by Sofa Malone
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