Ohio Governor John Kasich

All amputees being treated in Ohio Veterans Affairs (VA) hospitals will be forced to share prosthetics after Governor John Kasich (R) formally denied a $5,000,000 grant from the federal government late last week. Under normal circumstances, veterans who lose a limb in battle are fitted for their own custom prosthetics. Without the funds necessary to continue this program, Ohio veterans will now have to share a dozen or so generic prosthetics across the entire state.

The federal grant was made available to Ohio last year after former Governor Ted Strickland appealed to Congress for assistance because of the increased volume of amputees returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.

In a speech at Ohio State University on Sunday, Kasich said the grant is unnecessary and is a prime example of “irresponsible liberal deficit spending.”

“The federal government is 14 trillion dollars in debt,” Kasich said. “I won’t stand by and let President Obama waste our hard-earned tax dollars on these freeloading veterans of foreign wars.”

Kasich originally told the Obama administration that he would accept the funding if a percentage could be allocated for his own set of prosthetics. After the administration declined his request, noting that the governor had no need for prosthetic limbs, the funding was denied.

Kasich said he is not worried about any backlash from war veterans or the public at large.

“I think most of the hard working, decent people in Ohio agree with me that there are better things we could be spending our tax dollars on than war veterans crying for a handout. ‘Ooooh, I want to be able to walk up to my house to see my child for the first time.’ Please. Watch out for the land mine next time, idiot,” Kasich said. “And what are these veteran amputees going to do to stop me? Walk up to the voting booth on imaginary legs in three years? Press the button for another candidate with the arm or hand they don’t have? Not if I can help it.”

VA nurse Bonnie Bennington was disappointed by the governor’s decision.

“It’s really unfortunate that we elected someone so counterproductive and cruel. His choices are causing us to neglect those who matter most,” Bennington said. “I bet if the money were going toward cardboard cutouts of Jesus for veterans who lost their faith, Johnny Boy would jump right on board.”

Following his speech on Sunday, Governor Kasich traveled to a Columbus VA hospital to personally deliver the news to a select group of veterans. Before making any comments, Kasich staffers removed all but four prosthetics from the more than fifty that were in use at the hospital. Without the federal grant, the governor said he had to confiscate at least 45 prosthetics because they had an undetermined value, and may not be affordable after the passage of the new state budget. Kasich said his administration will allow the free market to decide how much the prosthetics are actually worth by selling them back to the public at his annual yard sale in July.

Surrounded by the group of wounded veterans — some balancing on one leg, others in wheelchairs, several more lacking one or both arms — Kasich laid out his plan for how the remaining prosthetics would be shared.

“A rotating schedule will be followed throughout the week,” Kasich said. “On the weekends, access to the available prosthetics will be granted based on a priority request system.”

Kasich shared the details of the arrangement, explaining that use of the hospital prosthetics for important events such as weddings and funerals would be granted before requests for extra-curricular activities or employment. Veterans would be responsible for cleaning the prosthetics after each use and returning them unsoiled to the checkout desk before they are given to the next veteran in line.

A pamphlet explaining the “benefits of asking able-bodied people to do things for you in the absence of prosthetics” was provided to everybody in the audience. Kasich said the goal of the handout was to reduce the risk of depression among veterans who are missing limbs.

Veterans near the podium thought they heard Kasich laugh and mumble that he would rather kill them all than pay for their medical treatment, prompting a chaotic ripple of jeers and curses to resonate through the crowd. If more of the audience had possessed their arms and legs, it is likely that the affair would have turned into a full-scale riot.

Sergeant Tim Mentos was the most visibly upset veteran during the speech. A 2004 explosion in Iraq left him without his legs or vocal cords. Lacking the verbal and ambulatory means to properly demonstrate his outrage, he signed to his son who was standing at his side to toss him toward the governor in order to deliver an elbow drop. He was caught in midair by the governor’s security detail and nearly beaten to death by guards who were wielding some of the newly confiscated prosthetics.

When one veteran asked whether he should go ahead and kill himself, Governor Kasich shrugged his shoulders and said, “Whatever floats your boat.” The response prompted the man to grab a security guard’s gun and shoot himself in the skull. As he was wearing one of the four prosthetics left in the building, the gun shot induced a scramble as other veterans fought viciously for its use.

Ten year military veteran and amputee John Walker said this wasn’t the first time he had been raped by the government and that the new policy really didn’t surprise him.

“We aren’t surprised when politicians send us off to war and we end up maimed,” Walker said. “So there’s no reason anyone should be surprised when they put their fully functioning foot up our ass when we get back home.”

107 COMMENTS

  1. I can’t find this anywhere else. Is this a satirical article based on a real event or just a complete fabrication? If it’s a joke you had me going.

  2. I was wondering the same thing. A political contact I have said this is most likely legit, though. It just hasn’t been picked up yet, apparently.

  3. Kasich sent me an email thanking me for writing such a concise, unbiased story regarding his disdain for public employees. He advised me to stay tuned to his developing policy that would take away digital recording devices from public recorders. He’s planning a “Use a pen once in a while” campaign. Can’t wait to get the details. As always, I will do my best to gather all the relevant and hilarious details for you folks, our loyal readers. Cheers, and continue to Keep It Weird.

    • >In preparing for a large Holiday Gathering my husband and I are hosting, I listened to Carol’s Holiday podcast last week and even though logically I know what Carol is saying is what any entertainer should do, it did help me prepare and had awesome reminders– thanks Carol! The power of suegtsgion!>

  4. Well it does say freak login. In the right hand corner. So it must be a joke but I do not think it is funny. Maybe it would be more funny if the governor got shot in the head.

  5. Brilliant satire!! You know how you can tell? People kept going back and re-reading trying to figure out if it was true or not! They actually found the unbelievable, believable. You hit the Kasick nail right on the head and then drove it in! Great work.

  6. Your not funny, as the wife of a Disabled for Life Combat Veteran, I’m truly Disgusted you had such disregard for our Veterans. I got the story from an Veteran who is a senior citizen and he thought the story was real. It a shame you don’t honor our troops in a better way, because this is just over the line.

  7. Sofa do a follow up to see if this really happened and if so call Washington DC and bitch to Shinseki. This is horrid to say the least that this governor would think of doing this. He ought to be recalled for even thinking of doing this let alone doing it.

  8. When is it ever “satire” to write a fake story about a Veteran shooting himself in the head? Your sick Sofa Malone. As a Disabled for Life Combat Veteran, I’m appalled that writing about suicide and Veterans sharing prosthetics is considered acceptable.The sacrifices of our Veterans, Wounded Warriors and those who have paid the ultimate sacrifice for their country is nothing to joke about. I’m appalled that the Delaware Ohio News thinks this is okay. Especially near Memorial Day!

  9. Mr. Malone isn’t the one who is doing our wounded combat veterans dirty. As all of us who have watched Czar Kashitch I slash the budget know all too well, disabled vets will be among the worst hit with his cuts. This piece is barely satirical.

    • Thank you, Angel! I’m so happy that you enjoyed the Deadly books. I’m doing more serial killer research right now. My poor husband. Every day, I make him listen to more of the &#82a0;trivi2” that I’ve learned about them!

  10. This is absolutely absurd!! If a governor ever did this he should be immediately impeached. And as for funny satire. Making fun of our brave men is terrible. As the wife of a 100% disabled veteran who served his country well I am appauled.

  11. and who the hell do u think your helping?not the veterans or the techs who will have to work on used and outdated prosthetics ,so they fit correctly….ur priorities are screwed up..

  12. Morons – the VA is funded by federal appropriations. State governors have nothing to do with any purchasing of this type.

  13. If the idea of sharing prosthetics wasn’t enough to clue folks in on the fact that this is satire….then that’s pretty sad.

  14. I’m a Vietnam era vet. USMC 1964-1970. Also an Amputee. I think your a sick SOB! Its obvious your not a Vet,if you were you wouldn’t pull that shit with the Federal money to the VA. I’m suprised that the Vets in Ohio haven’t formed a lynch mob & strung you up. You wouldn’t get away with that shit in GA.

  15. This is awful satire… and until you’re well known enough at writing real satire, you should have a very clear disclaimer for people.

  16. This is great. I don’t know what the hell Kate is talking about. People believe it to be true and it struck a cord. Good work.

  17. I don’t think this is so much satire as it is prophecy. I don’t remember how many Congressmen and Senators I’ve heard ranting against “The Scooter Store” and their ads, whenever the subject of Medicare comes up on their agenda. And let’s not forget that Jan Brewer DID cut funding for organ transplants and still bragged about the money she saved after 3, so far that I know of, have died.

  18. WHY IS IT THEN THAT THE VETERANS SO BLINDLY ALIGN THEMSELVES WITH THE GOP WHEN ITS ELECTION TIME? THEY HAVE BEEN GETTING SCREWED OVER BY THEM FOR YEARS NOW AND THEY CONTINUE TO SUPPORT THEM. CAN THEY NOT GET ENOUGH OF BEING SCREWED OVER OR SOMETHING?

  19. Please people, this is not real. Just some real sick people spreading this around. And, I mean this is really some mentally disturbed people. As the mother, of a soldier in Afghan, I deplore this kind of thing. Bless our military and our veterans.

  20. This is not a bit humorous. Whoever wrote this should be flogged. And those spreading this article around are just as bad. Americans? I think not!

  21. If this is a joke it´s not at all funny and stooping to the same level as the right. It is very difficult to not believe seeing how the GOP has continually screwed veterans just like they´ve continuously screwed the American middleclass. They don´t serve in the military themselves, nor do their families, but have no problem sending the sons and daughters of others to serve their greed driven agenda and then screw them afterwards. I know. I´m a veteran.

  22. Good, biting satire, and Kasich needs to be bitten good and hard, so he can appreciate the damage he’s doing to Ohio’s future.

  23. My God, how can someone use this to promote a political agenda? What has happened to this country. I wish I had not even seen this. 🙁

  24. Even more disturbing than the actual facts as reported here are the numbers of “disbelievers” who can’t come to grips with the truth. Kasich is a classic psychopath, unfit for public service. Why people vote for these monsters is a mystery, but the misery they inflict upon their fellow men and women should be plain enough for all to see.

  25. Sad state of affairs that this needs to be marked as a spoof. This is not a known satire site, is it? It certainly looks legit. This is irresponsible. Lest anyone question my own political leanings, I am a liberal, and I think the GOP cuts are wrong, but this is also wrong–a disgrace to journalism and an affront to readers. This piece should be either removed or a disclaimer should be published!

    • in fondo il loro ruolo e’ appunto quello di divulgatori, mica sono sciDazinti!ei sicuro hanno una buona cultura scientifica, pero’ puo’ accadere, come dicevo prima, che commettano errori, quindi e’ sempre bene non fidarsi ciecamente.Se consideriamo poi che su certi argomenti ci possono essere influenze “esterne” tutto cio’ vale ancor di piu.

  26. There is a disclaimer published, you fucking idiot. Read the bottom of every page on the website, or the link titled “legal statements”. hahaha, christ.

  27. Oops. Well, that will teach me–and everyone else here who took this seriously. I am not used to having to scroll down to see a 10-point disclaimer on a page marked NEWS! At least the Onion makes it clear up top that it is a satire site. Sorry for misunderstanding–but still believe that this is not a good way to present something when most of those who read will never see the disclaimer on the bottom of the page. It IS a good lesson in checking your sources. Fool me once…

  28. Where does the Onion make it clear up top that it is a satire site? I believe their only statement on the homepage is that the content is meant for people over the age of 18. Other than that, they claim to be “America’s Finest News Source.

  29. Truth or not, Kasich is a joke of a governor and needs recalled. It hasn’t even been a year yet. Everyone who voted for him should be ashamed of themselves.

  30. Are-You-Blind, you are the fucking idiot. How many people will look for “Legal Statement” in small print at the bottom of every news page. Who’s the fucking idiot here??? Delaware Ohio News and YOU! Maybe you work for those dumb-fucks.

  31. As a disabled Veteran, Vietnam era. I found this article hysterical! It brings to light the war, Veterans are still fighting, in a humorous way. I laughed so hard I was actually crying, thank you. You serve your Country, then you have to fight for every little benefit you are ENTITLED to, while our Politicians enjoy entitlements, at OUR expense. Yes, our Politicians are presently looking at ways of cutting entitlements to those that need them, yet giving out bonus’ to their staff, to prevent from having to return the money to the U.S Treasury. They continue to enjoy all their entitlements, in addition to their outrageous pay, without any fear of them being cut.

  32. POST THIS AROUND, EVERYWHERE USE IT TO DEFEAT THE PUBS LESSOR OF TWO EVILS=DEMOCRATS OBAMA/BIDEN 2012 OBAMA IS THE MAN

  33. GO OBAMA/BIDEN 2012 USE THS BLOG TO TAKE DOWN THE PUBS MAKE VOTERS THINK THIS IS TRUE OBAMA IS THE MAN FOR OUR FUTURE

  34. This article is a scam. VA treatment and funding for prosthetics for wounded veterans has nothing to do with federal grants to states. If facts, states are not involved in the funding. Anybody else notice that there is no statement from any VA official? Nobody can tell it is a spoof article?

  35. This is not funny and it could be true. Funding processes are so convoluted that anything is possible. Kkeep in mind that a certain political group is wanting to eliminate Medicare and reduce sociial security benefits. This too will have a negative on veteran’s lives. Having experienced such a royal screwing from the country we love so dearly, WE VIETNAM VETERANS should not treat this as a laughing matter. Signed: A Combat Veteran, Vietnam, 1968-1969

  36. To those of you who think this is funny, and in particular to SHER1 who says that this should be used to “make voters think this is true,” SHAME ON YOU! It is that kind of ignorance that has caused so much damage! The last thing we need is more uneducated voters!

  37. If it was anybody other than Kasich I’d say, “No way!”. But this is something he would do because he is devoid of decency.

  38. Sher1 and Taylor2…spoken like true democrats…lie, cheat and LIBEL to get your way…forget the truth as long as it serves your purpose. Democrat = no conscience. As far as obama “is the man”, ask Netanyahu…or better yet,how about Gaddafi? Gotta love this quote, “I have said to you before that even if Libya and the United States enter into war, God forbid, you will always remain my son, and I have all the love for you as a son, and I do not want your image to change with me,”. “MY SON”?!?!

  39. It’s easy to understand how people who know Kasich and who know the state of Ohio, would fail to recognize this is satire

  40. It is because of“… these freeloading veterans of foreign wars.” That we are the great nation we are. And it is because of them you were able to run for a government office. To bad you were not a veteran of a foreign war Oh great Gov Kasick !

  41. Ohio needs to hold a “Recall Vote”. I thought Alabama was backwards. I used to see all of the flags on the interstate overpasses driving through Ohio, I guess he has had them removed as well. Your Gov and our Gov need to go have a beer party together and they should invite the President. Ohio you people need to watch for your other Social Programs. Maybe your Gov will find a way to take your SSD and other Federal funded dollars away… since he cant have any of them. Best of luck from AL.

  42. Total Horse Crap! You folks are fools to swallow this nonsense, but you are likely democrats, so it goes without saying. NEWS FLASH: The VA is a federal agency. Governors cannot refuse funds. Fools, ignorant fools!

  43. For those of you who thought this was “appalling” as satire, you may need to go look up the definition. Satire can be funny, but that is not it’s primary purpose. Satire points out the absurdity of a political position, an attitude, or a social norm (accepted practice) by carrying it to it’s logical extreme. Sometimes it’s funny, somtimes it’s horrendous, but it’s still satire. Sometimes it’s only funny decades later (Gulliver’s Travels was a Satire on attitudes during the period he lived in.) Like it or not, this is excellent satire, lambasting the atitude of the governor and those who think like him. And, it was not satirizing the vets. The one who shot himself is a refelection of a real problem society has right now.

  44. Islander, while the article does sound like an outrageous fabrication, you are incorrect in stating that a governor cannot federal funds. You might want to check with Governor Scott of Florida who just refused to accept billions of dollars for high speed rail construction in Florida. Consequenlty, about 15 other states split that money for transportation projects in their states. So, a governor can indeed refuse to accept federal funds.

  45. What a dirty rotten low down no good SOB this so called Gov. is. He wouldn’t make a pimple on a concerned Gov. ASS.

  46. To read this it makes it kind of hard to believe so I guess with a witness of two or more will confirm that it really happened. Even the bible calls for a witness of two or more so back this up with another witness to confirm it or dont print things that are not true. Im not a democrate I will never again vote for a democrate but our republicans are not standing up and demanding the right things especially for those that served and those that are serving now. What happen to they are elected by the people for the people I guess we work for them and not they work for us anymore

  47. Read the bottom of this page it states that everything on this website is made up and do not rely on anything said here go to the bottom of this page and read it for yourself

  48. you should have stated this was satire we have enough to float our boat you fucking prick why dont you apologize to all vets asshole you just sent me back to the 70″s

  49. Doesnt surprise me with this sorry excuse of a governor. This is a guy that grew up in around pittsburgh pennsylvania. The son of a postal carrier, he went to ohio state and got into republican politics and dont forget bankrupt lehman brothers now governor of ohio. Never served his country and wouldnt know how to work an honest day.

  50. Well to the dumbass Governor that won’t get another term, you’ll find out that us Veteran’s stick together! We are family, and guess what, you are the hated next door neighbor now!! Nice move moron, if it weren’t for the GI’s Our country would be in a sad shape of affairs, even worse than what you politicians have been able to do to it!!! We LOVE Our country and stand together against foreign and HOMEMADE Enemies!!!

  51. I received my first personal loans when I was a teenager and this aided my family very much. But, I require the student loan as well.

  52. Some time before, I really needed to buy a building for my corporation but I didn’t earn enough cash and could not purchase anything. Thank heaven my comrade proposed to take the loan from reliable bank. Thence, I did so and was happy with my collateral loan.

  53. Sofa, you are a real asshole. I am a 60year old disabled Vet & I would love to take you on physically and just whip your little Commie ass! You a a little punk!! You sorry SOB.

  54. This is the Ohio governor who cut funds for local government. He wants to cut funding for disabled veterans. He wants to cut the National Debt. Look who pays veterans.

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