Creepy East side sixth grader Johnny Wacky has called off a school shooting he had planned for Monday January 28th.

The hit single “Put It on Me” from rapper Ja Rule’s 2000 album Rule 3:36 has been named the official theme song of Delaware, Ohio, according to city officials.

All food items at the Chick-fil-A on Polaris were tainted with AIDS. So if you stood in solidarity with your gay-bashing brothers and sisters swallowing your anti-fag fries, queer punching pickles and heterosexual cock-sucking chicken, please seek medical attention immediately to treat your case of Chick-fil-AIDS. Good luck, and pray god will hate you less [...]

The Delaware Police Department’s brand new, $50,000 dip-shit mobile debuted on the streets of Delaware today. According to Police Chief Russell Martin, the bold design is meant to give officers more pride in their work, and to ensure they’re noticed when sitting in parking lots discussing how worthless they are. Captain Jenokowski, the first officer [...]

Teen finger-banging was down 11% city-wide in April, according to a recent poll. Experts speculate that evolution may have played a part in this sudden and sharp decline. “We think teens are just figuring out that ‘dick-banging’ is way cooler and more fun for all parties involved,” explained OWU Evolution & Ecology professor, Dr. Pimento. [...]