Coming in the wake of a wave of gun violence and increasing calls for gun control, Kasich said he and NRA officials are adamant that more guns are indeed the answer, and they believe there is no better starting point than our schools.

“President Obama, Democrats, they want to eliminate our citizens’ right to bear arms,” Kasich said. ”They’re using school shootings and awful mass murders as a way to further their political agenda.”

“Reducing access to firearms will not put an end to gun violence,” he continued. “Putting guns in the hands of our children, in the hands of their teachers, increasing access to guns and giving more people the tools to kill, that’s the path to safety.”

Under his proposed legislation, all students above the age of eight would be issued a Glock G306 and holster, and be required to handle the weapon at all times during school hours. Teachers would be given a fully automatic AR-15 assault rifle, to be propped up and loaded next to the chalkboard. Students and teachers would be mandated to engage in target practice daily, and be subject to reacting to monthly school shooter attack drills performed by a harmless black robot.

Kasich offered to answer a few questions from reporters after his rambling, mostly incoherent speech finally ended.

Delaware Ohio News reporter Oltice Walker Booth asked why the robot had to be black.

Governor Kasich said it is obvious why the robot is black, smirked, and said he is more worried about all the “racism” against firearms coming from “liberal gun-hating bigots.”

“Why hasn’t anyone interviewed the handgun to see how it feels about all this discrimination?” Kasich said. “I talk to my magnum every night, and let me tell you, they’ve felt like a target, and have been under fire from aggressive liberal assholes for too long.”

Asked about how children could be trusted to handle such dangerous weapons, Kasich introduced Brent Johnson and his six year old son Brian, a home schooled cub scout and aspiring sharpshooter.

“Every Sunday, Brian is escorted by his father to a local gun range where he’s taught how to handle, maintain, and fire his BB gun. Time has been set aside to teach Brian the fundamentals of self defense, and he understands the power of his weapon,” Kasich explained.

“We aren’t trying to raise more killers. We aren’t building a child army. We’re just cognizant of the reality that our children our at the forefront of our war on school shooters,” Kasich said. “It is obviously impossible for us, as adults, to take action to solve this problem ourselves.”

“As a result, when you ask Brian how he would respond to an intruder breaking into his home, his answer is simple,” Kasich said, handing the microphone to the child.

“Bang bang bang, dead nigger,” Brian said, which prompted loud cheers from the crowd in Lima. Kasich gave the child a high five before jumping off the stage and crowd surfing back to his limo.

Surprisingly, there are already many opponents of the proposed law, most vocal among them Democratic Senator Sherrod Brown.

“I am genuinely fearful for the lives of all Ohioans,” Brown said. “Kasich learns about a six year old with a BB gun and reasons that every student in the state can carry a police grade firearm? The fact that this law even has a chance of passing makes me happy I don’t have a handgun right now, because it would be in my mouth.”

Overjoyed at the prospect of owning his own vehicle and no longer relying on his girlfriend for transportation, Appleton was disappointed when an inoperable raccoon’s nest on rims was deposited in his backyard Sunday night.

“Obviously it was going to be a piece of shit,” said Appleton’s girlfriend, Mariah Jones. “The ad literally read: ‘Own your own vehicle and stop being a bum! Drive to your job at Jimmy John’s in style! Only $200 for a four door car with 280,000 miles and half an engine. Very rusty and full of plants. May have animals living in it. WILL PROBABLY DRIVE IF YOU FIX IT AND REPLACE EVERYTHING.’”

After slapping Mariah and reminding her not to make him look ignorant on the internet, Appleton admitted he may have used poor judgment leading up to the purchase.

“I was just like, ‘Holy shit, you have the money to buy this. You could buy a car right now. You aren’t as poor as you think you are,’” he said, describing his response to the advertisement. “All I was thinking about was pulling up to Jimmy John’s in my car and not being so lame. It was like the ad was designed just for me.”

According to Robert Caldwell, the Delaware car dealer who sold Appleton the vehicle, the ad was designed just for him.

“Selling shitty cars to uneducated, underachieving young men is a multi-million dollar industry,” Caldwell said.

Appleton will later sell the car for $10 and a skate deck.

“My mom locked up all the god damn guns,” Wacky reported on his blog, Life is Dumb and I Might be Gay. 

According to those familiar with Wacky, he has what it takes to be the first school shooter in Delaware’s history.

“He grew up on the East side, has a white trash mother, started drinking when he was 12, masturbates to boy’s butts, likes the computer, eats spaghetti in the bath tub – all the signs are there,” school counselor Margaret Meter said in a phone interview. “I wish there was something I could do for him, but he’s destined to put a bullet in my skull.”

For auction organizer Timothy Blentelneck, the event is a wonderful tradition that officially marks the start of the winter and Thanksgiving season.

“It’s a fabulous yearly ritual in which horse owners can salvage some money from their horses that either died or had an accident during the year,” Blentelneck said. “It is also a great chance for aspiring horse owners to get some experience caring for horses without shelling out a lot of money. If you can’t care for an injured horse, you have no business owning a healthy horse. And if you can’t care for a dead horse, you have no business living on this planet.”

Animal rights advocate Melanie Halterbottom said the practice of selling injured and dead horses is disgusting, and doesn’t serve the purposes that organizers purport it does.

“I happen to know that at least 95 percent of people buying these dead and injured horses have no interest in learning how to care for a healthy horse,” Halterbottom said. “Most of the injured horses are brought home and tortured by teenage children, which are the main consumers in this auction by the way. And the dead horses are almost exclusively used for a unique Thanksgiving dinner dishes, including filet 0′ filly, pony pie, cream of colt, and steed potato casserole.”

Marion businessman and horse devouring enthusiast Bill Gilligan said there is nothing wrong with enjoying horse meat on Thanksgiving, or any other day of the week.

“2,657 horses die every 10 seconds in the United States, and most of them either rot in the field or are used as household decorations in Montana,” Gilligan said. “I consider myself a new age Native American. They used every part of the buffalo, I use every part of the horse. On Thanksgiving, for example, I fashion the mane of the horse into a fabulous hat. The four hooves are hidden around the house for the children to find. Each child that finds a hoof gets one cup of premium mare-inara sauce. We make bronco butter, ‘chicken’ naglets, and sweet and sour stallion. Everything is covered in horseradish sauce. It’s a great day.”

Blentelneck said he does not have an opinion on equine dining.

“Look, I’m not here to tell you what to do with your dead or injured horse once you’ve bought it,” Blentelneck said. “The last time I checked, this was still America, even with that Kenyan prince running things.”

At the end of the day on Thursday, 7,510 injured horses found new owners, and 10,056 dead horses found new homes.

“Yeah, I was just too busy with the campaign, and I couldn’t make it,” Obama said. “I sympathized with them greatly, and I secretly wanted to marry both of them too, so I sent them my well known apology, an MQ-9 Reaper fitted with Hellfire missiles.”

The drone strike lasted approximately two minutes, leaving all wedding combatants dead.

This is not the first time the president has been forced to apologize for America. Just over a year ago, he missed a celebratory dinner for Musama bin Liden, a New York businessman and doctor who built two skyscrapers and is credited with saving the lives of 3,000 Americans. He apologized by sending a special unit of Navy Seals to his house to anally rape him before shooting him in the head.

Obama gave a warning to his friends and colleagues in a speech this morning.

“Do not invite me to an event in which I may not be able to come, because I will be forced to apologize, and apologize with the full strength of the American military,” Obama said. “I will always bring the American people apologetic justice, especially when they expect me to say, ‘I’m sorry, but you’re dead, motherfucker’.”

Delaware police officer Harley Richter said he was busy driving around town making sure all businesses and homes had the necessary number of American flags hanging in prominent locations when he stopped to eat breakfast at McDonald’s, and ran into Glurglebottom.

“I was just standing in line, and I casually asked him what he thought about this fateful day,” Richter said. “Glurglebottom turned to me, looked confused, and said, ‘what are you talking about?’ I immediately handcuffed him and put him in the back of the cruiser.”

Glurglebottom said he was simply tired and hungry and wasn’t expecting to be quizzed by everybody about what he thought about the terrorist attacks that occurred on September 11, 2001.

“I just tried not to think about it. Who wants to think about 3,000 people dying a horrible death caused by a bunch of fucking crazy Muslim fanatics?” Glurglebottom said. “I didn’t realize it was a crime in Delaware to resist thinking about gruesome deaths that occurred in New York over a decade ago.”

Police Chief Russ Martin said the federal government has approved his request to waterboard Glurglebottom until he tells them exactly how he is going to reflect and remember 9/11.

The practice is almost exclusively performed by Catholic and evangelical couples who get medical advice from pro-life advocates such as U.S. Representative Todd Akin.

In an interview on August 19, Akin, a U.S. Senate candidate in Missouri, said that if a woman is legitimately raped, the female body has a way of shutting the whole baby making part down.

Columbus Catholic Sheila Hurtlickson said she has been married for two years, and has felt guilty for using contraception since her wedding night.

“We’re just not ready to start a family yet, and I know it’s against my religion to use birth control, but we just don’t have the money,” Hurtlickson said. “Thankfully, Todd Akin has confirmed a way to still maintain a religiously pure, healthy sex life while avoiding pregnancy. Twice or three times a week, I can’t know exactly what day or time or my body will think it’s not a legitimate rape, my husband comes home from work with a ski mask on, calls me a cunt, knocks my knees out with a baseball bat and thrusts his throbbing penis into me while I scream and cry. This has saved our marriage. Praise the Lord!”

Delaware homemaker and mother of three Danielle Thornmason said she she wants to stop at three children without using “abortion pills” or “Satan dick wraps.”

“There’s nothing in the Bible forbidding throwing your wife against the wall, ripping her panties off with gardening shears, smacking her in the face with a phone book and saying ‘shut the fuck up bitch’ while forcefully penetrating her vagina,” Thornmason said. “That’s how Jesus avoided getting Mary Magdalene pregnant.”

Delaware youth pastor Harley Robinson said he has counseled newly married members of his congregation to practice different styles of rape to keep things fresh in the bedroom, in the dark alley, in the garage or wherever the guy gets hard.

“There are many ways to practice God’s birth control, or what we call it now, rape,” Robinson said. “I tell newly married males to make sure it surprises her greatly, and causes her real pain, or it won’t work. I tell them to mix it up a little bit, because relationships are tough. Tackle her from behind while she’s walking back from the mailbox, ram her face into the driveway, and enter her from behind one day, for example. The next day, punch her in the back of the head while she’s in her office paying bills, shove your cock down her throat, and cum all over her face. Get an angry dog involved. Whatever you have to do to please God and your partner.”

Delaware businessman Rohan Dedrickson said he thinks simulated rape is abhorrent.

“Come on, can’t other people just fuck their wives like normal people anymore?” Dedrickson asked, shaking his head in disbelief. “This is going to take all the fun out of raping Christian wives for me.”