Delaware resident Jacob Turhole was arrested for animal endangerment after his dog was pulled over in his truck. The dog was driving, while Turhole was in the passenger seat.
Turhole, 37, was drinking at the Backstretch with his dog, John. According to Turhole, he was way too drunk to drive himself home.
“Look, I had like seven jagermister shooters, and ten beers,” Turhole said. “John only had about five beers, and I had cut him off about an hour before we left. I’ve also let John practice driving in the parking lot of Smith park at least twelve times…I don’t remember exactly, I was pretty hammered every time.”
Delaware police were not able to arrest the dog, but they were legally allowed to hit John with a rolled up newspaper, and use a vacuum like, really close to him.
“I thought we should be able to charge the dog with DUI because his name sounds like a human name,” said sergeant Rusty Taintley. “But I looked it up in the handbook, and it says you must distinguish between dogs and people, no matter how human the dog’s name sounds. I’m glad it was so clear. These are the kinds of things that we could take advantage of to be even bigger pricks.”
PETA activist Jane Pussyneck said she is undecided on the issue of dog driving.
“On the one hand, I think animals should have the same rights as people, so I think they should be allowed to drive,” Pussyneck said. “However, I don’t like that the police are allowed to abuse the animals if they’ve had a few too many to drink. Also, dog owners may take advantage of their pets and make them their little personal drivers. That would be kind of like slavery.”
According to a recent nationwide survey, only 10% of people allow their animals to drive them around on a regular basis. However, a staggering 60% said they would allow their animals to drive them, but had not thought about it before. 30% said they would only allow their pet to hold the map, or change radio stations.
“Yeah, dude, my dog is always the designated driver when I go out drinking,” said Barry Yesjef, a Blockbuster clerk. “It also helps out with the bitches in a couple of ways. First of all, I bring him in the bar and all the chicks are like, ‘Oh my god! Look how cute that dog is!’ Secondly, I can make out with her on the way home while the dog drives.”
“Next time, I’ll make sure John is more responsible at the bar,” Turhole said. “For the next couple weeks, I’ll only let him drive after we’ve blazed a blunt and I need a ride to Taco Bell.”